I am there, with you, waiting, watching, always there. You do not know it yet, though. Not until it is already too late. And you feel bad when I am there, when I am there at your shoulder. You want to banish me, you try to get rid of me, but you do not know how.

You never know when I am going to show up, you never know what to do when I am there. And yes, I am always there; I am behind you, to the side of you, everywhere and nowhere.

When you are driving down the road, listening to the radio, I am the unseen passenger, guiding your every move. When you are between classes, talking to friends, I am listening to every word. I even speak for you sometimes, when you are not at your guard.

Those are the moments when you get the odd looks, when you just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Yet you do not know why, you do not know that I am there.

That I am you.

You thought it would be nothing but an ordinary outing with friends, with one uninvited guest trailing along. There are others like me, with your friends. None of you want us there, but there we are. We are always there,
doing what we must, doing all that we know.

You watch him and her talking, and you try to insinuate yourself into the conversation. They look at you, and you see something in their eyes. Pity, anger, that you are there, that you are interrupting them. Your friends, or so you thought, and they will not even let you talk.

So you try to talk to other people, letting him and her sit there and enjoy their private conversation. I goad you; I make you see what you do not want to see. The truth is there; you just will not admit it. He does not care that you have interest in her, which you have spoken to him about it. Oh no, no, he will talk to her as he pleases.

He will move in, before you even get the chance. That’s why he’s talking to her, isn’t it? It’s why she’s laughing, why he is telling her little cutesy stories. It is why he will not let you even get a word in edgewise.

And her, her, she has to know too. I mean, isn’t it obvious? The little gifts you have given her, the way you talk to her, all stuttering and jittery. Surely she has seen this, and knows you only seem so odd and quiet because you like her, and do not know what to say.

You do not want to see it, yet I pull back your blinders, and I show you the world how it is. They want each other, and she doesn’t want you. Not the way that you want her. Oh no, no, no; you are not good enough for those sort of feelings from her. You are not good enough for her, he is. He is. Not you.

The night is over, and everyone is leaving. Or at least, heading off to other places. Not you, though, for you have something to do in the morning. And so they will continue on without you, forgetting that you were ever there. It is always like this, isn’t it? They are doing stuff when you cannot; they are hanging out when you cannot make it. Not thinking that you are busy, or do they simply not care? Certainly that is what it is.

I am here, and I am with you, always as I stated. I am all that you have left to fall back on, all that you have. I am within you, and I am without you.

Time passes, and I fade, you forget about me. You forget that I exist, I cannot show you everything that I did before. Yet I am there, just a mere whisper now at your ear. You do not listen, though, to what I have to say. Like they did not listen to you. I do not mind, though, for I know we will always be together, you and I.

I am still there, when everyone meets up again. I am waiting, watching, and letting you see. That touch of his hand to hers, there is something going on there. I know it, you know it. In fact, look at everyone else, and how they look at you. They know it too, but no one will tell you. They ignore your feelings for her, just as he did all along.

You are angry now, and I think that is right. Well that you should feel mistreated, for their ignoring of you. Him and her, everyone, they could care less for your feelings. In fact, he had never met her until you brought him one weekend. He did not even know any of these friends. And yet, look at how he gets along with all of them.

Your fingers clench, your anger is rising. Oh, now you see, now you know. Now you believe me.

They accept him; they love him, while they merely just put up with you. They used to laugh at you; they used to love you too. Not now, though, not with him here. He is in the way, he is blocking what you are, what you could have been to these people.

No, no! Don’t walk away, do not leave! Do not say goodbye to these people, do not leave so you can sleep and be rested for tomorrow.

But you are going to anyway, aren’t you? Yes, yes, you run. You’re leaving, and I leave with you. You say goodbye, you say your fare-thee-wells, but not everyone hears, not everyone cares. Ignored once again. Ah well, you leave, and I go back to waiting. There will always be another time.

That time comes sooner, as you find a free night to go out with them. I am there, eager, waiting. I can feel it; I know it, and tonight I will show you all.

Everyone is there, merry and having fun. They ask you why you are glum, why you are gray. You think they would know, and that they would realize what they are doing to you. You just shrug off the questions and find your normal chair, off in the corner, to sit, and to watch. And to listen to me.

You actually do listen, tonight. You listen to me when I tell you that he is holding her hand, that she is wrapping her arm around him, that they steal kisses when they think no one is looking. You thought you saw it, and I confirmed it. I know, I know it all, I know what they are doing behind your back.

You cannot take it any more, and you storm out of there, a mockery of concerned calls coming after you. They follow, laughing behind your back, but when you turn, they look concerned. No, they are not, let me assure you.

Fight him, take what is yours, take what you almost had, take her from him. And so you leap, hands at the ready, landing upon the person that was once your friend. The person that had what you wanted, that took everything that you deserved.

You hear laughter, the voice of envy, my voice. We’ll be together now, for a very long time.

::January 19, 2003 01:14 PM

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